Top of the World
by dawneh
Summary: Thoughts of his life leave John Paul at an all time low possible future spoilers


I feel like I can see the whole world from up here. I don't think I've ever been this high before, well not outside of an aeroplane anyway. The air feels really cold and it's making me shiver but I don't want to leave, not yet, maybe not ever.

I'm staring out over the whole of Chester, over the whole of creation it seems and it just looks so pale and empty. I expected to see vast sweeping landscapes filled with vibrant colours but what I see seems to have faded in the sunlight or maybe it's the eyes that are doing the looking that are at fault. Maybe I simply can't see life and beauty any more, because maybe I don't deserve to.

It's funny how churches are always these huge impressive structures towering over the towns and cities they dominate. It's always struck me as slightly hypocritical. I always thought that the money spent on creating and maintaining these amazing building would be better spent on the needy, isn't that what it's all supposed to be about, but then who am I to judge? It's not like I'm any great moral character is it.

It's his church, the one I'm standing on top of. Or rather it was his, they've got a new priest now and I don't know where he is. I don't know if he's been forced to leave the priesthood or if they've just moved him on to a place where nobody knows what happened. And there we have it – another life that I've ruined, it appears I'm getting very good at that. I always believed I was a kind decent person, that I would give rather than take. But then I never thought that I would ever deliberately seduce a priest. I never thought that I would use people for my own gain. I never thought I'd be stood on the top of a church wondering where my life went wrong.

I never loved him you see. That's the thing that really bothers me. If I'd loved him then maybe what I did would be forgivable. But I didn't, not for a second. I cared about him, I desired him and I lusted after him, but it was never love, not for me but I think it was for him.

And that's how easy I find it to use people, to use them and then discard them as if they never really mattered. First Hannah, then Spike now him. I take from them what I need, I use them to fill the holes in my life and then I walk away. Of course I tell myself at the time that this one's different, maybe even that there's love there, and there is, the love is always there but it's never been for Hannah or Spike or him. There's only one person who I've claimed to love and really meant it and even then I walked away. Even then I took from him, ruined his life and walked away.

I'm so high right now and the world seems so far removed from me and I can't help but wonder if it would be better if I removed myself from the world.

I don't want to keep on hurting these people, people that I do genuinely care for, just not as much as they deserve.

I look at my feet and perform a quick calculation. Three, maybe four steps, that's all it would take and then it would be over and they would be free of me. The world would be free of me.

I saw Hannah the other day. She looks good, really good and it sickens me to think what nearly happened to her. I know she said she doesn't blame me, but that doesn't mean I can't blame myself does it? I knew how much I meant to her, how much she cared for me and I should have ended things before everything got too involved. Instead I let her discover the truth and I broke her heart. She deserved better, much better.

Spike hasn't been around for weeks now. I sometimes think of calling him, but I don't. Why should he want my friendship after everything that I did to him? After I lied and cheated and then begged him to keep my secret. I remember how he said he was trying to protect me when he first found out. Even then he still cared about me and I abused that for my own gain. He deserved better, much better.

It's really cold now. I wrap my arms around myself to try and keep in the remnants of heat that my body still holds but it's a futile gesture and my shivering is getting more pronounced every second.

I still remember the first time I saw him. I remember how striking I thought he looked. How tall and strong and confidant and, as he spoke, his voice seemed to trickle over me like warm treacle.

I wanted him immediately. I wanted to kiss him and taste him and bed him. I wanted to do everything that you shouldn't want to do with a priest, but it wasn't until I saw that flash of interest in his eyes a few days later that I decided to take what I wanted.

He was so easy to seduce it's almost enough to make me laugh. ME, the great seducer, just imagine. But in truth all it took was a few suggestive looks, resting my hand on his knee, on his thigh, as I leaned in to speak to him, simple things that soon added up.

He gasped in surprise the first time I went from resting my hand on his thigh to stroking my hand up the warm flesh, he gasped but he never tried to stop me. I could tell by the look in his eyes that he wanted it as much as I did and when I moved in to kiss him he grabbed me with passion and the hunger of a man who had waited too long to taste desire.

What we had didn't last long. It was only a few weeks but it was enough to ruin everything. I don't know why I went to the church that day. Usually we met in secret, away from anyone who might know us, away from the world that would judge us. But maybe I wanted to make a point, maybe I wanted to show him that he was more than just a priest or maybe I just wanted to get caught.

He tried to turn me down, tried to resist as I slipped my arms around him but I knew that I'd won as I kissed his neck and he breathed softly that he loved me. Looking back now I think maybe that was why I went to the church. To show him that I didn't deserve to be loved.

I had him pinned to the wall, my mouth hot against his and my hands fighting with his trousers when I heard the sounds behind us. I knew instantly that we'd been discovered and the look of horror on his face made me realised what I had done to him. What I had cost him. The priesthood wasn't just a job, just a career, it was his life, his vocation and I stole it from him for my own pleasure, and it wasn't even for love.

But you know, despite how much I've used and hurt these people. Despite how guilty I feel about Hannah and Spike and my beautiful priest, that guilt still pales into insignificance when I think of how I treated the one person I really did love.

Craig. There, I've said it, the name, that name, HIS name. I have to say it quickly or it gets stuck in my throat and threatens to choke me. I didn't know how much I could love someone before I met Craig, or how much I could hate them, or miss them.

I say that I loved Craig, love Craig if I'm being honest, but what I took from him was the worst of all. I almost took his family, his life but instead I simply took his hope and his trust. He loved me and despite how hard it was for him he finally admitted to the world that he wanted me. So I told him it wasn't enough and I walked away.

I broke his heart and I broke my own and that's why I'm standing here really. That's why I'm on this church now wishing I had done so many things differently. Wishing I hadn't ruined so many lives. Determined not to ruin any more.

Three steps did I say, or was it four? Am I brave enough to take those steps? Am I strong enough to save the world from any more heartache that I might cause?

Just a few steps. I take one, then two and then a third. My toes are on the edge now and I can see the ground far below and I know I need to let go because I can't live this life anymore.

I can hear screaming. It's frightened and alone and rips through my soul. I can feel the cold rush of air racing past me and I hold my breath and wait for the impact.

There are strong arms around me and a soft voice whispering in my ear that I'm safe and everything will be OK. I'm confused at first but I trust the voice and I know that I'm protected.

The grip around me loosens after a while and a cool hand strokes my face, soothing my fevered brow.

My breath always catches in my throat when I look at him. Those two pools of dark chocolate that see me like no one else ever has before, that warm loving smile that touches my heart and holds me close, that man that I love more than my own life.

"Bad dream again?" Craig asks gently as I snuggle into the security of his arms. I simply nod as I rest my head on his chest to listen to the steady beat of his heart.

I don't need to describe the dream to him, it's one I've had many times and told him of in detail. You see we don't have secrets anymore.

When Craig came back from Dublin it was like he was a changed man, but so was I. We both knew who we were and what we wanted and we both knew that our love had never faded, not for a second.

Of course I never stepped off the ledge of the church roof that day. In the end my cowardice won out and I slowly made my way back to the ground. But being that close, knowing how low I had sunk and how badly I had treated people I professed to care for gave me the wake up call I needed. I turned my life around after that day and it was because of that that I was ready for Craig when he came home.

If I hadn't discovered what it was about myself that I hated maybe I wouldn't have been able to accept Craig's love when it was offered to me a second time. But I had worked out who I was and what I wanted and the answers were so simple I don't know why I never saw it before.

I was just me, just plain old John Paul McQueen and I wanted love. His love. Craig's love. So when I got the chance to have that love in my life again I knew better than to let it go.

I've never been able to go near a church since that day.

Maybe one day I will.

Maybe I will find out if he's still a priest and go and tell him how sorry I am.

Maybe I will take Craig and then maybe he will understand.

Maybe if he forgives me the dreams will stop.

Maybe if I forgive myself I will finally find peace.


End file.
